A Little Light

You can never really tell if you finally found your “way” or even be sure that “this is who I really am”. In the past 26 yrs of my life, there were a lot of moments that I told myself “this is it. this is my purpose” but for some circumstances, failed and decided to forget saying “maybe not”.

I envy those people who seem to have a clear path.. who knows what to do their entire life. I used to be one of them, I mean I thought so… I was actually admired for being one. And I miss that old me. At times I go back and ask myself, did I quit? or did I just know when enough is enough. It’s probably the same thing. Quitting or not, my real fault is what I’ve done after. I let myself drown with pity and shame and I could not accept what just happened, the feeling of failing at what you thought was your purpose.

Depression. This time I knew I was quitting. But funny that no matter how much you want to quit life, you’re still breathing. And when you realize “you’re not gonna die yet” it is usually the time you get yourself moving again. Maybe still blind, but at least you’re back standing… working your way through the dark.

I know time heals everything, and I am actually back on my feet again. A bit slow. And “failing”? It still scares the shit outta me, and that’s the truth. but I am taking my time and finding my pace. Getting to know myself again. Reflecting. Looking back and looking forward. But the most challenging for me on this journey is being honest. Being honest of what I feel, what I like and don’t like doing, what really interests me… all this instead of flowing through the tides and trying to please as much people as I could.

This is freedom for me, being honest and break away from being self conscious. Finding the real me and live by it.

A little light

Things have been doing good. I’m actually feeling more happier… or should I say less grimmer than before. I am slowly liking myself again and I cannot wait until I fully understand and know myself again. I know everything follows after that… and would you believe if I say. “I cannot wait”

P.S. It’s been a while since I posted again. The reason is that I gave my laptop to my mom ages ago ‘coz she needed it more than I do right now. And It took me a long while to get comfortable writing here in my brother’s PC. I can’t help it. I’m a “moody” writer. Everything just have to be right ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Random Thoughts: The Bathroom

There is something about bathrooms… Most of the time, it feels like you just walked into a time machine… and maybe a confession stand. Sometimes, its a black hole that can take you to a completely new place or dimensions… So what am I talking about?

Late last night, I decided to take a shower. It has become a routine for me this summer to take one before hitting the sack. As soon as I sit on the toilet seat to do nature’s call first, my mind automatically takes me somewhere. Now most of the time, its the past, sometimes it goes to my logical thoughts trying to solve some logical problems. But last night, it took me to my previous job. The one that I just resigned a few months ago. Funny because it is something I never ever really want to think about anymore, but when I go to the bathroom recently, 90% of the time its always that place. (Why oh dear brain?)

First of all, going back to my previous job is not a happy place for me. I even dreamed I burned the place. I honestly do not want to go into details but let’s just say both parties, me and the company have shortcomings. There are things that I could have done differently, things that the company should have not said or unnecessarily said, things that I should have let go and let passed… These are the thoughts that I decided to shut out and tell myself to move on and who I am now is enough… but am I really?

What is it with bathrooms that makes me gone back there? Is it the enclosed space maybe? the silence it offers even? or the sound of running water? the privacy it gives you? or maybe the first look on the mirror that makes you start to reflect on things? It’s funny how I have to analyze this, but maybe everything that I just questioned is true. Besides, it does hold the best descriptions of a perfect place to think… but to do it unintentionally and unwillingly… yeah, that I do not know…

What I usually do is I hit myself in the head and telling myself “Stop it! Stop thinking about it!”, but the question is, should I? What to do with these thoughts that keeps haunting me? Will it eventually go away over time like the rest of my memories? or does my unconscious mind trying to tell me something… that I haven’t yet figured out? What does my mind wish to satisfy?

I wish I know the answers.

Dear Ms Inconsistent

Dear Self,

Today is going to be the last day you’ll feel like crap…

Now I can not promise a smooth sail, you may even think you feel and look worse during the next days, but the important thing is to do it right, to give your best and always move forward.

Do not be disheartened or discouraged… although we both tried over and over to get this in control, discouragements and disappointments seems to be our greatest enemy. Lets change that and try to see things differently this time.

No matter how things seem hopeless and bad, remember to keep going… because it is the one thing we have not tried before; to keep going and be consistent *fingers crossed*

I know you did not choose this, it is a commitment we never really agreed on… I know that even if you say you’ve accepted it, how you live your life seems to say otherwise. Take care of yourself and you may be surprised how fun it will be in the end. You may be restricting yourself too much now, but it will get better as we go and do better. Please believe in that. Being hopeful can really go a long way.

I know you tend to expect too much from yourself. But do not rush, no goal is realized over night or days or even weeks. Baby steps. One thing at a time. Let us both be patient and just keep going. Seek help if we must, listen and keep an open mind.

No matter what, as long as we give our best. It is enough. You’re OK, we’re OK… everything is gonna be OK.

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PS. Do not try to do it perfectly because it will never be… We are humans, we make mistakes. Expect ups and downs. And sometimes your numbers won’t make sense all the time. Do not try to be perfect. I do not believe there is a perfect Juvie Diabetic.

The Happy Pill

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/28/prompt-singing-the-blues/

Its kind of ironic for me to be writing about this for I am the saddest person I know. And if you ask me how sad, I was diagnosed with Depression last January of 2014. Fun way to start the year right? But its actually not all bad, I actually learned a thing or two during my head imbalance.

As the Daily Prompt puts it: “We all feel down from time to time. How do you combat the blues? Whatโ€™s one tip you can share with others that always helps to lift your spirits?”

First of all, I don’t feel down from time to time… it was more like 24/7, but not until I started taking my “Happy Pill” (and no, that is not the tip I am sharing with you). The Happy Pill as my doctor explains it is not to increase my happy hormones but instead it is supposed to balance chemicals in my head. More of trying to get me to think Normal again.

During my medication, here are the things I learned… and might as well be considered tips:

1) I am an Over-thinker. The things that makes me sad is all in my head– I was consumed with my regrets in my past, fear in future and non-existent voices telling me I am not worth-it. Regrets, Future and Voices, are things I could not physically hold at the present but I let these ruin my day.

2) The initial effects of my Happy Pill stopped me from thinking the things in 1. There was a point that I felt like I was not thinking about anything at all. It just made me busy… and hyper even. One time, I CRAVED doing a coloring book and that craving did not leave me for 2 weeks… not sure if its really healthy, but not thinking (too much) made it easy to do things.

3) But as my mind gets comfortable with the Happy Pill, there are moments of blues, moments that I still hate myself… Made me wish that the initial effects stays forever. As soon as everything calmed though, I realized that the things I am doing is not just “just because”I do it because I feel better doing it. No matter how small it is, whether it is for you or for someone else, like cleaning the house or cooking for your family, no matter how small it seemed it made me feel it is worth it. Now I always remind myself that giving love, no matter what shapes and forms it is, is way better than anything else.

4) One of my biggest fear and mistake though is comparing myself to others. Even it is not intended to compare, you couldn’t help it when someone will suddenly talk about how a person is successful, how great they did with their lives and all that. This 4th thing is something that I still need to work on, I am trying to keep in mind that I am not someone else… that each person have different sets of priorities, stories and strengths and I need to find my own way, my own pace.

5) Finally, and definitely not the least… laughs, convos or whatever shared with my family, my friends … and playtime with my pets may possibly be my greatest weapon to combat blues. It may not be as long term as the first 4, but possibly the most effective for me.

6) And sometimes, it doesn’t have to make sense. If you don’t want to feel sad, play the song and watch the video of Happy by Pharrel Williams and dance like crazy…

I still have a lot of issues in me to work with but these are my ways anyway… and I am happy to share it. ๐Ÿ™‚

These are my pets btw, I play with them when I don’t want to think sadness:

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And by the way… I am off the happy pill, hope it stays that way coz they are not cheap i tell you.

First Post: About… today

What better way to start a blog than just talk about today?

Here I am, sitting alone in my room, a bit of gloom, humidity and rain in the weather (but maybe that’s probably my mood), facing WordPress for the first time, thinking of what words to write…

I used to blog… but I do it for other people, meaning, i seek attention using my blogs. That was a very long time ago though. I am not really sure why I stopped, maybe because I lacked time, maybe because no one really reads them, or maybe writing wasn’t in me anymore. So why now? why am I starting again? First off, I have nothing else better to do, Second, my elder sister suggested it… she may have thought I have a story worth telling and something good may come out of it, Third… to find an outlet, something to let my thoughts out instead of always keeping them in.

I have not decided yet if I want the people I know to read what I will be writing here… maybe soon. But right now, I am not ready. I am not the person they used to know. I am not the person I used to know. And the reality is, i am still nowhere near to finding it. Talk about identity crisis… this is why I am not ready yet to let my acquaintances, friends, and family to know about this, because i do not think it is wise for me to hear who they think I am and I am not, what they think I should do and should not do.

If I am to know who I really am, I should stop listening to others opinion on who THEY think I am… and start listening to myself. Listen to what I really want to do, what really makes me happy, what my life really means. Be honest with myself, and stop seeking approval of others, but instead seek approval of my God and myself. This is my first step..