A Little Light

You can never really tell if you finally found your “way” or even be sure that “this is who I really am”. In the past 26 yrs of my life, there were a lot of moments that I told myself “this is it. this is my purpose” but for some circumstances, failed and decided to forget saying “maybe not”.

I envy those people who seem to have a clear path.. who knows what to do their entire life. I used to be one of them, I mean I thought so… I was actually admired for being one. And I miss that old me. At times I go back and ask myself, did I quit? or did I just know when enough is enough. It’s probably the same thing. Quitting or not, my real fault is what I’ve done after. I let myself drown with pity and shame and I could not accept what just happened, the feeling of failing at what you thought was your purpose.

Depression. This time I knew I was quitting. But funny that no matter how much you want to quit life, you’re still breathing. And when you realize “you’re not gonna die yet” it is usually the time you get yourself moving again. Maybe still blind, but at least you’re back standing… working your way through the dark.

I know time heals everything, and I am actually back on my feet again. A bit slow. And “failing”? It still scares the shit outta me, and that’s the truth. but I am taking my time and finding my pace. Getting to know myself again. Reflecting. Looking back and looking forward. But the most challenging for me on this journey is being honest. Being honest of what I feel, what I like and don’t like doing, what really interests me… all this instead of flowing through the tides and trying to please as much people as I could.

This is freedom for me, being honest and break away from being self conscious. Finding the real me and live by it.

A little light

Things have been doing good. I’m actually feeling more happier… or should I say less grimmer than before. I am slowly liking myself again and I cannot wait until I fully understand and know myself again. I know everything follows after that… and would you believe if I say. “I cannot wait”

P.S. It’s been a while since I posted again. The reason is that I gave my laptop to my mom ages ago ‘coz she needed it more than I do right now. And It took me a long while to get comfortable writing here in my brother’s PC. I can’t help it. I’m a “moody” writer. Everything just have to be right 😉

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First Post: About… today

What better way to start a blog than just talk about today?

Here I am, sitting alone in my room, a bit of gloom, humidity and rain in the weather (but maybe that’s probably my mood), facing WordPress for the first time, thinking of what words to write…

I used to blog… but I do it for other people, meaning, i seek attention using my blogs. That was a very long time ago though. I am not really sure why I stopped, maybe because I lacked time, maybe because no one really reads them, or maybe writing wasn’t in me anymore. So why now? why am I starting again? First off, I have nothing else better to do, Second, my elder sister suggested it… she may have thought I have a story worth telling and something good may come out of it, Third… to find an outlet, something to let my thoughts out instead of always keeping them in.

I have not decided yet if I want the people I know to read what I will be writing here… maybe soon. But right now, I am not ready. I am not the person they used to know. I am not the person I used to know. And the reality is, i am still nowhere near to finding it. Talk about identity crisis… this is why I am not ready yet to let my acquaintances, friends, and family to know about this, because i do not think it is wise for me to hear who they think I am and I am not, what they think I should do and should not do.

If I am to know who I really am, I should stop listening to others opinion on who THEY think I am… and start listening to myself. Listen to what I really want to do, what really makes me happy, what my life really means. Be honest with myself, and stop seeking approval of others, but instead seek approval of my God and myself. This is my first step..