A Little Light

You can never really tell if you finally found your “way” or even be sure that “this is who I really am”. In the past 26 yrs of my life, there were a lot of moments that I told myself “this is it. this is my purpose” but for some circumstances, failed and decided to forget saying “maybe not”.

I envy those people who seem to have a clear path.. who knows what to do their entire life. I used to be one of them, I mean I thought so… I was actually admired for being one. And I miss that old me. At times I go back and ask myself, did I quit? or did I just know when enough is enough. It’s probably the same thing. Quitting or not, my real fault is what I’ve done after. I let myself drown with pity and shame and I could not accept what just happened, the feeling of failing at what you thought was your purpose.

Depression. This time I knew I was quitting. But funny that no matter how much you want to quit life, you’re still breathing. And when you realize “you’re not gonna die yet” it is usually the time you get yourself moving again. Maybe still blind, but at least you’re back standing… working your way through the dark.

I know time heals everything, and I am actually back on my feet again. A bit slow. And “failing”? It still scares the shit outta me, and that’s the truth. but I am taking my time and finding my pace. Getting to know myself again. Reflecting. Looking back and looking forward. But the most challenging for me on this journey is being honest. Being honest of what I feel, what I like and don’t like doing, what really interests me… all this instead of flowing through the tides and trying to please as much people as I could.

This is freedom for me, being honest and break away from being self conscious. Finding the real me and live by it.

A little light

Things have been doing good. I’m actually feeling more happier… or should I say less grimmer than before. I am slowly liking myself again and I cannot wait until I fully understand and know myself again. I know everything follows after that… and would you believe if I say. “I cannot wait”

P.S. It’s been a while since I posted again. The reason is that I gave my laptop to my mom ages ago ‘coz she needed it more than I do right now. And It took me a long while to get comfortable writing here in my brother’s PC. I can’t help it. I’m a “moody” writer. Everything just have to be right 😉

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Dear Ms Inconsistent

Dear Self,

Today is going to be the last day you’ll feel like crap…

Now I can not promise a smooth sail, you may even think you feel and look worse during the next days, but the important thing is to do it right, to give your best and always move forward.

Do not be disheartened or discouraged… although we both tried over and over to get this in control, discouragements and disappointments seems to be our greatest enemy. Lets change that and try to see things differently this time.

No matter how things seem hopeless and bad, remember to keep going… because it is the one thing we have not tried before; to keep going and be consistent *fingers crossed*

I know you did not choose this, it is a commitment we never really agreed on… I know that even if you say you’ve accepted it, how you live your life seems to say otherwise. Take care of yourself and you may be surprised how fun it will be in the end. You may be restricting yourself too much now, but it will get better as we go and do better. Please believe in that. Being hopeful can really go a long way.

I know you tend to expect too much from yourself. But do not rush, no goal is realized over night or days or even weeks. Baby steps. One thing at a time. Let us both be patient and just keep going. Seek help if we must, listen and keep an open mind.

No matter what, as long as we give our best. It is enough. You’re OK, we’re OK… everything is gonna be OK.

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PS. Do not try to do it perfectly because it will never be… We are humans, we make mistakes. Expect ups and downs. And sometimes your numbers won’t make sense all the time. Do not try to be perfect. I do not believe there is a perfect Juvie Diabetic.