A Little Light

You can never really tell if you finally found your “way” or even be sure that “this is who I really am”. In the past 26 yrs of my life, there were a lot of moments that I told myself “this is it. this is my purpose” but for some circumstances, failed and decided to forget saying “maybe not”.

I envy those people who seem to have a clear path.. who knows what to do their entire life. I used to be one of them, I mean I thought so… I was actually admired for being one. And I miss that old me. At times I go back and ask myself, did I quit? or did I just know when enough is enough. It’s probably the same thing. Quitting or not, my real fault is what I’ve done after. I let myself drown with pity and shame and I could not accept what just happened, the feeling of failing at what you thought was your purpose.

Depression. This time I knew I was quitting. But funny that no matter how much you want to quit life, you’re still breathing. And when you realize “you’re not gonna die yet” it is usually the time you get yourself moving again. Maybe still blind, but at least you’re back standing… working your way through the dark.

I know time heals everything, and I am actually back on my feet again. A bit slow. And “failing”? It still scares the shit outta me, and that’s the truth. but I am taking my time and finding my pace. Getting to know myself again. Reflecting. Looking back and looking forward. But the most challenging for me on this journey is being honest. Being honest of what I feel, what I like and don’t like doing, what really interests me… all this instead of flowing through the tides and trying to please as much people as I could.

This is freedom for me, being honest and break away from being self conscious. Finding the real me and live by it.

A little light

Things have been doing good. I’m actually feeling more happier… or should I say less grimmer than before. I am slowly liking myself again and I cannot wait until I fully understand and know myself again. I know everything follows after that… and would you believe if I say. “I cannot wait”

P.S. It’s been a while since I posted again. The reason is that I gave my laptop to my mom ages ago ‘coz she needed it more than I do right now. And It took me a long while to get comfortable writing here in my brother’s PC. I can’t help it. I’m a “moody” writer. Everything just have to be right 😉


Random Thoughts: The Bathroom

There is something about bathrooms… Most of the time, it feels like you just walked into a time machine… and maybe a confession stand. Sometimes, its a black hole that can take you to a completely new place or dimensions… So what am I talking about?

Late last night, I decided to take a shower. It has become a routine for me this summer to take one before hitting the sack. As soon as I sit on the toilet seat to do nature’s call first, my mind automatically takes me somewhere. Now most of the time, its the past, sometimes it goes to my logical thoughts trying to solve some logical problems. But last night, it took me to my previous job. The one that I just resigned a few months ago. Funny because it is something I never ever really want to think about anymore, but when I go to the bathroom recently, 90% of the time its always that place. (Why oh dear brain?)

First of all, going back to my previous job is not a happy place for me. I even dreamed I burned the place. I honestly do not want to go into details but let’s just say both parties, me and the company have shortcomings. There are things that I could have done differently, things that the company should have not said or unnecessarily said, things that I should have let go and let passed… These are the thoughts that I decided to shut out and tell myself to move on and who I am now is enough… but am I really?

What is it with bathrooms that makes me gone back there? Is it the enclosed space maybe? the silence it offers even? or the sound of running water? the privacy it gives you? or maybe the first look on the mirror that makes you start to reflect on things? It’s funny how I have to analyze this, but maybe everything that I just questioned is true. Besides, it does hold the best descriptions of a perfect place to think… but to do it unintentionally and unwillingly… yeah, that I do not know…

What I usually do is I hit myself in the head and telling myself “Stop it! Stop thinking about it!”, but the question is, should I? What to do with these thoughts that keeps haunting me? Will it eventually go away over time like the rest of my memories? or does my unconscious mind trying to tell me something… that I haven’t yet figured out? What does my mind wish to satisfy?

I wish I know the answers.